July 2011
22 posts
What this blog taught me.
I am a failure. Always have been, always will be.
If you’re interested in following my personal blog where I mainly bitch and post pretty pictures that I find on the internet, message me or something. But I’m done with this one. Honestly, I log-in and read about how successful everyone is and it sounds terrible but it makes me sick to my stomach. I don’t need another constant...
I think I need a break.
Vacation was, quite literally, a roller coaster. I went from sobbing to laughing in seconds and I really scared myself with a lot of really… suicidal thoughts. It was frightening. I’m okay now but like… I dunno. I just need to focus on being normal, or something.
I’m also physically and mentally exhausted. I have work almost every day next week, and now that I have...
Slightly less hopeless, haha.
My Zumba instructor is a beautiful human being and told me I from now on I only have to pay $40 and that’ll cover me form now until I go back to school if I help out with the three big events we’re holding this month and next month. I am thrilled, haha. And I love to help and would have volunteered anyway.
I went out to lunch on a ‘date’ today. Surprisingly had lots of...
Hopeless.
That’s how I feel right now. Hopeless. And numb. And just terrible.
I am a bad person. Know why I’m crying right now? Because I canceled a date I was supposed to go on because I felt huge and hideous. And because I’m going to FL for a week on Sunday and I am going to be around beautiful people my age that I know will ignore me and look fucking amazing because they’re all...
Canceled my date.
I can’t muster of the courage of being happy and normal or pretty. I am none of these things.
I have one friend, A., who knows everything. She’s coming over and we’re baking cupcakes and watching Racing Stripes and helping me pack for Florida and reassure me I can wear the clothes I own and it’ll be better.
I hope.
I’m so tired.
The art of getting by.
Sometimes that’s all you can ask for.
Orientation blew. It was so boring and I didn’t utter a sound until the last twenty minutes. It was awful. I felt like an outcast, like no one could even see me. Invisible. Worthless. Everything negative I feel about myself was just validated. But what can you do.
I still feel gigantic. It’s terrible. It’s a really horrible feeling....
Also I think I might get my nipples pierced.
What.
Still unhappy but I get to babysit tomorrow?
Yeah, hahahaha.
My one instructor called me after I got out of the movies (saw Bad Teacher - very funny!) and asked if I could babysit her two kids so she can teach because everyone is busy and I said sure and I am so scared. I love these kids to pieces, but I’ve never actually babysat before. They’re 2 and 4 (almost 5) and it’s only for like, two hours, but still.
As...
I hate myself today.
Apparently I’m angry and ungrateful (words from my father) and I can’t stop bingeing and I feel huge and disgusting and I can’t stop crying and I’m supposed to go out tonight and I don’t think I can and my gym is fucking me over so I have to deal with corporate to get my money back and I just want to stop eating for good and be a fucking normal fucking person for once...
I know I talk about this way too much but IDGAF.
I love Zumba.
I love that I can stand in the front row and effortlessly memorize new choreography from a different instructor. I love that I can finally shake my booty like a champion. I love that I feel, dare I say, sexy, when I’m shaking it. I love that I can have a horrible day, go to Zumba, receive a hug and a kiss from four different people, and have them ask how I am and genuinely...
In other news...
…today is still rough… but… I have a date on Friday. HELP!
Today is rough.
Binge binge binge.
Failurefailureafilure NO. Fuck you, voices. I am not a failure. Hmmph.
Posted a semi-bummed status on Facebook (hey, I’m 20, we do shit like this, haha) and within 5 minutes my Zumba instructor, friend that I only met in person once, best guy friend, close friend from school, and favourite high school teacher commented on it with an ‘I love you’ of some sort....
Confession.
I didn’t make 10 days. I slipped up.
But I talked to Vicki about it (<33) and was calm and collected and understood why it happened and I’m honestly ready to move on and make tomorrow rock. I don’t want to rehash the details, but I’m okay. It wasn’t terrible, and I’m ready to make my next streak last 10 full days.
Anyway.
Tomorrow I’m going to:...
Working on the 4th of July.
Happy birthday, America. And consumerism. Ugh.
At least I can now get out of going to the family friend’s BBQ. I really didn’t want to go anyway. But I’ll probably go after work, so maybe around 7 pm or so. But at least by then I’ll have already eaten dinner and such and can just eat lots of watermelon and be happy.
Shit got real.
Nine days. Wowza.
Work was killer. Line was out the door, we were understaffed, and I was essentially called an idiot by a customer. Yeah. Not cool. But I saw my favourite English teacher/mentor and it made everything better. Had a nice light dinner and some Weight Watchers ice cream for dessert. Nom. I even just came upstairs from cooking with my dad. He’s making chorizo for our family...
Goin' into work.
Just finished my leftovers from last night for lunch. I feel like I ate too much too fast. And then had 1/2 a tablespoon of Smuckers Natural Reduced Fat Peanut Butter (I wanted to try it so bad and it was amazing, ohemgee). So I feel oddly guilty which is frustrating because all I did was eat lunch and not even a tablespoon of peanut butter. Oh, disordered eating habits, you so silly. And...
I have such weird dreams!
Okay, posting because I really want to know if I’m the only one here. To my fellow binge-eaters and the like, have you ever dreamt about bingeing? Because I do A LOT (I’m talking at least once a week, if not more), and it’s absolutely terrible. I always remember these dreams vividly. And I almost always think to myself in my dream-state what I’m going to tell you guys on...
Dinner = win.
I admit, I was VERY grumpy the first twenty five minutes we were there. We had to wait and I was famished because I skipped my late afternoon snack and I was just mad at everyone for dragging me out. And I was so nervous ordering because they wouldn’t give me a box until the end. Uhm. What. The waitress was nice about it but I’m pretty sure I paled, haha.
I ended up ordering…...
Going out to an Italian restaurant with the...
There is no nutrition menu.
I’m oddly calm about this. I have coping mechanisms and I will not binge. I will not binge, I will not, I will not. And I’m not going to be visibly panicked, either, and therefore making everyone else miserable. I will not let the fucked up comments my stepmom and older stepsister WILL say (“You’re getting a salad/whole grain pasta/fish? Why do...
Is it weird that...
…sometime’s I’m so excited for Saturday Zumba that I can’t sleep? Haha, it’s the truth. I just love it so fucking much, it’s insane. My thank-you card to my instructor came out really cute. It’s the perfect mix of sincerity and blunt humor about the situation :P .
Also, weighed myself for LOLs, and saw 143.8 . Lovin’ it. Please stay off this time,...
fightxforxit asked: Congrats on your week of being binge-free! Keep going strong! :) <3
One week.
Wow. It hasn’t been an easy week. Not even close, haha. But it’s been one week since I last binged. 7 whole days. Wow.
Zumba tomorrow. Currently writing one of my instructors a thank-you note about how Zumba has legit saved my life. She is such a wonderful person and I hope it makes her smile because she’s been down lately.
Night, loves. I love you all.
6 days clean. Madness!
Feelin’ good kids, feelin’ good. I really dig therapy.
Here’s to hoping and praying that things continue on this upward trend. I’m feeling confident because I don’t feel manic happy, just happy. Like, normal person happy. And I randomly opened up to a friend at Zumba about life and she was so supportive and nice and we’re gonna get coffee and it just makes me...
June 2011
44 posts
5 days clean.
Oh man, today was a really fun and triggering day but I made it through. So exhausted though so that means bedtime for me.
Is it terrible of me to feel bad for being in therapy though? With the occasional feelings of worthlessness, being a failure, and feeling hideous (totally normal for me), I’m doing really well by myself. I don’t know what to say to her except that like, I...
:) .
I got to ‘teach’ again at Zumba tonight. I love being forcefully grabbed, haha. Tonight was so intense I was shaking after class. I have no idea how I got through it, I really don’t. I was totally front and center too, and embarrassed as hell. But I love. And being on stage instead of the floor ‘teaching’ is really scary, haha. It was just me and my friend As. and our...
144.2
THANK YOU JESUS THE NUMBERS ARE GOING DOWN.
In a very uncharacteristic move, I looked at the number, gave a small smile, and didn’t feel the need to continue to step on and off the scale to make sure it was right. I also don’t care that that number is maybe a pound higher than I thought it would be because I am under 145 lbs and officially less than my SW again.
Also, I am...
What a mix of a day.
I say mix because I spent part of it crying curled up in a ball on my bed wanting to die and the other part at Zumba and Zumba Toning and admiring my legs/stomach in the mirror before I took my shower. Which I never do, haha. Three days binge free, praise the Lord, and I feel pretty good. I’m trying really hard to structure and plan out my days without going overboard. Tomorrow I’m...
Anonymous asked: pretty lady,
you def dont see your body the way everyone else does. your picture of yourself is distorted. people can loose inches before weight.
you def dont see your body the way everyone else does. your picture of yourself is distorted. people can loose inches before weight.
So I don't know if I dreamt this, or...
…but I am 99% positive my stepmom said to my dad or to someone on the phone that she doesn’t understand how I can eat so healthy and not lose any weight.
Uhm.
I’m really hoping this was a dream. And that I was just really tired. But I don’t think I was.
I want to die. I wish I was dead. I know I’m a huge, fucking, massive thing that doesn’t deserve to live...
Reason #9234872348372 Zumba is actually saving my...
My one Zumba instructor who has two young kids came to class this morning and upon seeing me for the first time ever her two-year-old son grabbed my hand and walked with me for no reason. And her daughter who I am going to steal had her hair in two braids the way I usually wear mine and it was precious. And when said Zumba instructor went to my work place today (I let her use my discount, haha),...
I'm a chronic dieter.
I have to stop. I can’t stop bingeing. I hate myself. Whenever I’m not at Zumba, it seems, I really fucking hate myself. I’m a giant inconvenience, my family makes this clear to me often enough. It isn’t just in my head.
But anyway.
Why can’t I eat like a normal person? Someone please teach me, I can’t live like this anymore. I might as well be dead.
Also:
New followers: Where did y’all come from? Thanks for dropping by! Welcome to the fucking nuthouse, hahahahaha.
Also also: I am so fucking sore from Zumba and playing with a 4-year-old and I have cramps and ugh. But I’m still smilin’.
:D !
Wowza.
I am stupidly happy right now.
So I was totally rockin’ out at Zumba, feelin’ like a boss, when all of a sudden my instructor walks right up towards me, grabs my arm, and drags me to the front front and had me ‘teach’ with her and the other instructors for half a song.
It was awesome.
At first I was so scared, I kept making ‘help me’ faces at my...
So therapy was cool.
I guess, haha. My therapist is really good for me. I’m very fortunate to have her. We’re going to examine the rigid rules I set for myself and figure out how to break them. I like that sound of it.
Regardless, I was super anxious when I got home and binged over-ate a tad. Nothing terrible, or that my 90 minute Zumba class (it’s one of our instructors birthdays today!)...
About to go see the therapist.
I don’t know what to say to her. True to form, I woke up this morning wanting to binge even though I abstained yesterday because seeing her makes me anxious because I know I’m going to cry again and make a fool of myself. I just don’t know what to talk to her about without her prompting me. Because I don’t know how to say ‘Hey, I’m really fucking depressed and...
Updates, I s'pose.
I don’t really have much to report, haha.
One minute I’m sobbing and yelling at myself to just stop eating all together, and the next I want to binge like there’s no tomorrow.
I don’t make plans anymore.
I don’t really have friends anymore.
It’s funny. I was drinking alone last Friday because I was depressed as hell and I either called or texted my five...
I'll write more tomorrow.
Maybe.
I was having a good three or four days after having a really fucking terrible like, fourteen days, and I just ruined it all in the span of ten minutes. Like always.
Some things never change.
And this is why I don’t post anymore. Screwing up every day, or every other day, is fucking killing me. I don’t need to relive it by posting.
Anonymous asked: i miss reading this blog
Anonymous asked: are you still alive??
Anonymous asked: Hey Babycakes I hope you are OK.
Beach tomorrow.
But I’m so fucking tired/insecure/unhappy I don’t want to go.
Going with C. and the Aunt. Guess who’s wearing a tank top and shorts over her bathing suit? This bitch.
This sucks.
I’m sorry. Y’all are probably sick of me. Just remember that there’s a cute little unfollow button somewhere. Not to be rude, but I’m getting a little hurt at all the rude...
My dad took a tumble down the stairs.
He’s totally fine. I sobbed like an idiot about it, but he’s fine.
My ‘Group Groove’ class was fucking stupid as hell. I hated it. And then, less than half way through, the instructor’s iPod died. So we did the routines from the Step class I failed at for a little bit. I wanted to cry. I was holding it in and I ran out of the gym when it ended.
Working out is the...
Anonymous asked: I'm 5'4 and weigh 200 pounds. DO NOT say you are fat. I'd kill to be your weight. So screw you.
blankmoments asked: You are stunning and beautiful and it makes me sad to see you hating on yourself so much and wanting to die... 146lbs is not fat or disgusting there are so many people who would kill to look like you. And don't get down on a .2 loss! Sure it's not a massive loss but it's still a loss! *hugs* I know your battling demons but don't let them beat you down
Don't read this.
I swear to fucking god, if that scale doesn’t go the fuck down next Wednesday I am fucking done with everything. Done with caring, done with life, everything. I did not sacrifice hanging out with people to workout to lose .2 lbs, I did not workout for 1 -2 hours a day to lose .2 lbs, I did not avoid everyone I fucking know for a week to lose .2 lbs. Are you fucking KIDDING ME. I am doing...
Mini binge.
Fuck. I knew a week clean was too good to be true.
I am never going to be skinny or pretty at this point. I’m so disgusting, I can feel the grossness in my body, I just want to cut myself open to feel whole again.
I am so sick of this, it doesn’t matter how much progress I make if I can’t even make it one fucking week. And I’m supposed to weigh myself tomorrow.
...
So sleepy.
Zumba was so difficult tonight. I stood in a fun cluster of my friends (both of whom have ‘A’ names, haha) and this other really nice lady and we had all gone last night and we were dying. Even our instructor was exhausted, she kept forgetting the choreo, haha. But what can ya do. The energy was so low, I was just glad to make it through. We were all shocked at how tired we were...
Ho hum.
That’s how my day is going. But my friend posted a picture of us that we took after Zumba last night and we’re both so sweaty and so happy and it makes me smile. I wish 7 pm would hurry up already so I could go to class! Haha.
Also… I am having a lot of problems getting my net caloric intake to 1200 daily. It is so, so hard for me. Last night I had to seriously snack after...